“We would rather speak ill of ourselves than not talk about ourselves at all...” - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Guess who glowed up this quarantine...?
Not only in the physical but in my mental, my spiritual, my emotional,
My voice,
To others, and especially to myself…
We often wait for this spectacular moment to occur to finally be in the place we’ve wanted to be in. The shift for me is gradual; One day I simply got too tired of the verbal abuse I not only allowed myself to endure, but was also the offender in. Sometimes it was the comparison game watching another’s growth in the areas I wanted to achieve on my own. Sometimes it was the doubt in my own abilities to ever be remotely as skilled in an area as I would want to be. Sometimes it was the fear that my past would hold me back from obtaining the things I’ve desired most. There were moments I have wanted it to be me, but was afraid to endure the struggle that came with actually putting forth the effort. I wanted to wake up and it would be the day I’ve waited for in my face and all of the work has been already put in, and the reward from my risk was all worth it. I knew I had to take the steps to get there. But that self-limiting belief kept creeping up and crippling me back to my safety net in remaining stationary rather than to try to do the necessary work and fail. I have heard so often how hard it is, and how many sacrifices it took that I didn’t trust in my own determination and self-discipline to actually put the first step forward in doing the work I knew would be required of me. How could I keep up this level of commitment when I don’t feel ready? What would happen if I start and couldn’t maintain the dedication and attention it needed to flourish? What if it’s not as good as people tell me it is and the public will get me out of here just as soon as I’m in…I couldn’t believe it could happen for me, so I didn’t even try…
What am I so afraid of…?
They say an idle mind is the devil’s workshop…My insecurities started showing the minute I stopped doing what I needed to do and got around someone who is moving.
Admittedly being in quarantine the challenge has been in networking with real people and feeding off of their energy. I had a goal of one networking opportunity a week minimum to keep myself going and once we’ve been moved to at home and Zoom calls, I was tired of technology. I thrive when I’m speaking with someone physically, I get inspired and I’m ready to get to it. This shift has taught me that isolation is not ideal for my communication style; I couldn’t be energized the same as before, so I wasn’t feeling the push to create. I hadn’t met with anyone for months, and even though it was getting posted, that self-disbelief whispered to me yet again, “who was going to see it anyway?”.
I eliminated my negative self talk by holding myself accountable. It didn’t matter who would see it, if I would help one or my current following of a little over one thousand, I was doing this for them. This was for the passion for this endeavor put inside of me. I removed my self doubt by stepping into my purpose and combatting those “I can’t’s” with “I am, I will, and I can”. If I couldn’t encourage me, who would? Who held the power to make me feel better than I could make myself? I am harder on myself than any man, woman or otherwise could ever be. Am I really afraid of judgement from others and what they might think, or am I afraid of disappointing myself?
You have to take the pressure off of yourself;
No one is asking you to be perfect,
Just progressing…
It starts with you. All things that you work for, your everything, those you are sacrificing your life for, it all starts with you…
Do the work. Not one day, not some day, but right now. Put forth the effort to change the trajectory of your life to be exactly what it is you want. You see yourself in the next x amount of years being this type of woman, this type of partner, this type of mother, this type of employee, this type of business owner, you have to do the work to build that character now. When you have those pain points where you are dissatisfied with yourself, rather than wallowing in self pity and fear of change, make the steps to get to her.
You know how I feel about “someday’s”, we can’t play about the time we have in this life. Beauties, what are we waiting for?
To allow ourselves to get excited
To be forgiving of others and yourself
To see that you will not easily be discarded
To trust another person’s intentions and love freely
To grow from the person you were despite the timeframe
To know that you are a daughter of Christ deserving of His grace
To be free to be vulnerable enough to fail whether fearfully or fearlessly
To believe the family you want to come from you will be better than the one you came from
Would you believe you seeing these dreams as your life wish is telling you it is attainable? If He can do it for your role model, your influencer inspo, your relationship goals, any “them” that He has done it for to show you this is possible, He will do it for you.
You are capable of being everything you have ever wanted to be. All that effort you put in to say “no one is seeing this” or “how am I not rewarded (but 𝑠ℎ𝑒 is)?”, why are you doubting that your efforts are noticed? Why do you not believe you deserve the things coming your way? Why are you not worthy to you?
I want you to shift your perspective. I had to ask the “why not me”’s in the aspect of “Why not? If them, I can too”. I made a conscious decision that if I wanted to be better, I needed to speak to myself better…
I’m going to say the words no one wants to say aloud. Those words that are so taboo to speak on because I’m not allowed to feel these and be a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. No no not me. As if these emotions aren’t normal, and are unable to be temporary, I am combatting the idea that I am:
Jealous
Insecure
Sensitive
Inadequate
These are gaslighting terms, used to manipulate the receiver into believing that they are behaving in an undesirable manner. When these words are used against someone, they are in attempt to discontinue the behavior creating the quality. Are you gaslighting yourself?
Jealousy is a trait from a place of lack. I can want things that another has, and not be coined jealous. But if I am not going after those desires and maintaining a level of responsibility in obtaining these, jealousy shouldn’t be a factor. I can admire without feeling the doubt in ever being able to attain it. You are brilliant, and you have ideas and a purpose that is aligned with providing every thing your heart could see to want. If you are in progress of getting to it, what would be the need for jealousy? You’re not jealous or lazy, you are impatient and in disbelief that this is yours just as much as it is another’s. You just have yet to get to it, but it is on the way.
Insecurity is the result of an insufficient amount of confidence and security in the success and reliability of something, whether it be financially, physically, intellectually, or even doubts in competency, worthiness, and a ton of other factors. The stigma around “insecure women” is discouraging us to attempt to resolve it because we intentionally avoid being associated with that trait. But if I’m feeling these things, and if I do not identify them, how can I correct them?
This is not fair.
If I’m insecure in my abilities at work, I won’t ask for constructive feedback when I see another person promoted over me. This is problematic. If I see my dream job is coming up, and I don’t feel as though I’m prepared, if I really want this I need to get ready to get the help and do the work. I can’t be afraid of my feelings getting hurt if you see an area of improvement, give me the opportunity to prove that I can listen and adjust when I’m wrong, and effectively communicate my intentions when I see fit. We cancel Black businesses so frequently without giving the constructive criticism from our experience and will quickly go back to spending our dollars (at a higher cost) with those outside of our communities because we don’t know how to tell ourselves we’re unhappy. We do this in relationships with our partners when we give up so easily instead of talking about things we want and end up settling and bitter, when they start to call it “toxic” because no one is releasing their true feelings and instead bottling it in. Normalize people doing what is best for them, and if you have input and they don’t take it, it is just that.
Sensitivity is almost a challenge in removing the humanlike qualities that allow you to feel. Being called sensitive is almost used synonymously as being called weak, which is not the same in any instance when it comes to your individual experience. Sensitivity surrounding how my emotions are felt? My emotions? My sensitivity, or insecurity of any kind, is only an issue for those who don't want to accept my boundaries and the responsibility in accountability in how they made me feel…I can be bold enough to bring it to the offender, but they retaliate by calling me weak because their feelings are hurt? Who’s being “sensitive” here…? It’s all subjective, and rather than making someone feel less than for having feelings, instead value what they are telling you if you value that relationship. Your boundaries are only negotiable if you want to negotiate, no one can tell you how you are and are not allowed to feel.
Inadequacy is a complete lie. If I am inadequate I am immediately announcing that I am not worthy, whether of someone’s time, someone’s business, or trust. Inadequate - to who? Says who? And rather than proving them right by slipping and doing the task erroneously, why not continue to practice? Get better, show off how you’ve learned from the mistakes made prior. Then identify any potential areas for improvement, resolution, etc. as you continue in your effort to be the best in your field. You have got to take the steps to learn what a mistake looks like and how to correct and amend. You’ve got this!
The biggest way that I have combatted negative self talk is with action and reaffirming action. Surround yourself with positive affirmations. Every time you have a doubt, write down a positive statement to counteract that thought. See photos of what you want to accomplish, read up on your faves’ stories and how they got what you hope to achieve, whether a successful brand, a healthy marriage, a complete and happy family, a beautiful home. What your want is, if God could do it for someone else, why wouldn’t He do it for you?
But you have to remain consistent...
Cast out the word of the enemy by overpowering those thoughts and lies with love and truth. The more you tell the truth the more you can trust it to be so. Think about how you build trust with someone, you have to build that trust within yourself too by seeing that your actions and words agree constantly.
Your past does not define you, your prior experiences will not limit your future experiences. History can repeat itself but there is no need for you to self sabotage to beat it to the punch. You do deserve, and it is coming for you, in His time.
Once you understand your enemy, you can defeat your enemy...internal and external. When it comes to negative self talk, identify the moments you do it, and ask yourself “why”. Why am I feeling like I can’t do it? Why do I feel threatened? Why do I doubt that this can happen for me? Take those fears and look at them head on. What is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? We often get so afraid of the result being worse than our worst fears, but we rarely have the faith the believe that it can be better than we have ever imagined. Encourage yourself. More so than you would your best friend. More than you would ever want another to pour into you. The best thing? Do that, say that, be that, and then some more. Abundance is not limited, go get all of it.
Start this journey with giving yourself your flowers, you deserve them...
I’m rooting for you, Beautiful,
Speak Freely…
Thankfully Yours,
Alexis P. Jordan